by Heather Risher

Dear prospective tenants,

While we welcome your visits, we’d like to suggest that you consider some factors before setting up residence. First, we use the areas directly below the spaces you want to inhabit, so you’ll need to be comfortable with our proximity. Second, you should be aware that other visitors sometimes access that space, and they’re not always friendly to your kind and may pose a danger to you and your potential offspring. While we don’t encourage intolerant behavior or actions that harm others, the aggressors usually visit at night when we’re not awake to chase them away. Finally, and most importantly, we have a cat. She isn’t allowed outdoors unless she’s on a harness or in her stroller, but please know that if you move in, you will be a superstar on kitty television. When the weather is better, we’ll open windows and the cat will be enthralled with your presence. She’ll stare at you all day, every day, and make adorable little chattering noises at you in an attempt to lure you through the screen and into her mouth.

If you are content with these circumstances, we look forward to your time with us. We understand if you may prefer to live elsewhere.

Best,

The Humans

Postscript: This was written towards the beginning of April. The prospective tenants included robins, eastern phoebes, and mourning doves. As of this posting, they have all decided to set up housekeeping elsewhere.